no, i am not ashamed

Life comes with bad days and good days, and it’s on us to accept them as they are. It’s on us to either accept ourselves or deny and welcome change — or even live in between.

Yet, there’s no shame in choosing any of these paths, as they are all simply our path.

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I’m not ashamed that I’m taking my sweet time with things
even though they feel urgent.
despite that they feel urgent.
there is time, and I’m here to enjoy
the feeling of missing out.

I’m not ashamed that I look in the mirror and cherish myself.
I allow myself to be gentle — with me
when I feel anxious,
and jealous,
when my mind tells me that I’m a failure.
she sees people at my age, achieving these amazing things.
but i keep telling her:
”they’re where they meant to be,
and so are we.”

I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s been months now
since I got a coffee machine and I still can’t make
barista-coffee at home.
homemade lattes are underrated, folks.

I’m not ashamed that I can’t find the time to read.
not that I can’t —
sometimes I just don’t want to.
I watch my comfort tv shows instead
and scroll through Pinterest.
I’m not on the hunt for new ideas,
or a new me.
I’m on a mission
to spoil me.

I’m not ashamed that it’s been over two years
since I moved to this country,
and I still don’t have a circle of friends.
I’m just a little sad.
but I know —
if I keep growing in my own way,
I will find the people who enjoy the shadow
of my leaves.
I’ll be the tree someone hugs
on both their bad and good days.

I’m not ashamed to admit that
I’m a slow thinker,
I’m a slow walker,
and I’m a slow writer.
I’ve been writing this piece over and over again for months now, and it’s not even close to perfection.
but it’s a part of me.

I’m not ashamed that I want to feel beautiful
in the most pretentious way,
I want to put on makeup,
be loved and adored —
not because I’m smart,
just because I look like I am.
the simpler life I live,
the higher my expectations have become.
sometimes all you need is
a small touch from the outside,
maybe a stranger’s words,
to feel more comfortable inside.

I’m not ashamed that I spend money on things
I don’t necessarily need,
just because I want to try and explore.
and I’m loving it —
be-ca-use
I deserve it.

(people will tell you the otherwise but — )
there’s nothing wrong with caring about the simplest things.
it’s okay to stay in the shallow
if today is not the day to surf with the waves.
trusting the sea,
letting your body flow with the currents,
is not easy either.

and there’s nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself.
I want to be wealthy enough
(there, I said it)
to spend my days going to my yoga class everyday,
wealthy enough to go around the world.
I want to buy a van,
and build myself a cabin in my favourite forest.

no, I’m not ashamed of
asking to live my one and only life —
as I wish.

I’m eating as much chocolate as I want these days.
if I gain some weight
and get a few pimples on my face —
so be it.

I’m not ashamed of
being the most comfortable version of me.

I’m not ashamed that I close my eyes
and my ears for the things I cannot change.
sometimes, I don’t want to hold the kite,
I just want to watch it fly.

but I’m a little ashamed that I say all this,
and I still can’t let myself cry.
on my way to get more chocolate
on a Saturday night,
my throat suddenly burns,
my vision blurs.
I look up —
but I can’t count the stars.

homemade lattes are underrated

If this post helped you breathe today, I would always be grateful for a cup of coffee.