the ultimate truth

the ultimate truth

i’m feeling absolutely, fucking miserable, and it’s gotta be because either i’m gonna have my period soon, or my week at work was so freaking busy and i found out the new role opening up is going to someone else, or because i got into this huge fight with the person i’m planning to launch a nonprofit campaign with in a month and i’m thinking leaving the project, or i’ve completely tired myself out with the workout routine i recently threw myself into and still, here i am, joining another yoga class, hoping it won’t be as harsh as the previous one i joined this week.

i’m still thinking about the fight while i’m trying to stretch myself on the mat and distract myself (but it doesn’t work), thinking about all the things he said to me - how unappreciative i am, how unhappy i am with anything he produces for the campaign, how bad i am at communicating, which is all true, except the last one. so i argue - i simply try to tell him that he produces everything using ai and i can’t see any thought or critical thinking going into it. eventually we get in a huge argument. i was trying to be nice, but he pushes and pushes me and i finally break out of my shell as a people pleaser. i stand by what i said, even though it makes him defensive and makes both of us uncomfortable. we agree to disagree and i tell him that i don’t think i can work on this project anymore because our friendship is more important than launching this campaign and if we keep going like this, it’s gonna damage the friendship too. “even though,” i say, “i’m very sad that i won’t be able to be part of it when it goes live. i won’t be able to witness my own idea being brought to life.”

so he tells me to take a few days to think about it and reach out to him again with a final decision. i say okay, and we leave the conversation there, but it keeps playing on repeat in my head. the time he said i’m a bad communicator. the time he said we could have worked on the project instead of discussing this. and how invalidated i felt.

so i doubt myself, i judge myself. i ask T. if i’m this horrible person to be around - always unhappy, always telling people what they have been doing wrong.

because i remember T. telling me something very similar when we were having a fight about house chores. i would tell him how much detail and effort i put into keeping this house organised, in the meantime, he’d only do the chores if i reminded him and then he would blame me for bossing him around when i said: “could you please clean the kitchen T.?”, “could you please take the bin out T.?”, “we need to clean the house this weekend, T.” or “can you please, please, please - for the millionth time - take your empty dishes and move them next to the sink, T.” and so on and on.

but i don’t want to. i really don’t. but i also don’t want to be the one doing all that work. so what am i supposed to do?

so i tell T. that he used to tell me something similar when we got into fights about chores, and he says that’s completely different and adds “to be fair, you were right. i should have done the chores without you telling me, and if i don’t, there’s no other option but you reminding me that i need to.”

huh, i think to myself, it’s interesting that when the finger isn’t pointed at you, it’s much easier to see things differently.

-

T. tells me just to cut my relationship with this guy. he says he’s making me miserable.

and he’s right, i’m feeling miserable. but i came up with this campaign idea, i shaped it like dough, i cared for it and nurtured it for weeks. i want it to be my way back to my activist roots.

but the things he said are the only thing i can think about right now, while sitting on this yoga mat.

am i really impossible to please? am i a bad communicator? am i a failure?

i go for a twist and turn my head to back where i see on the big screen a quote from eckhart tolle:

“the ultimate truth of who you are is not i am this or i am that, but i am.”

i’m not good at philosophy (even though i’ve tried to read books and educate myself, because i think everyone should have the ability to think deeply - not about politics or sociological issues necessarily but about themselves), so i’m probably not the best person to explain what i felt at that moment. a sigh, a relief, like finally every part of the puzzle fit together, and i became content. content with the argument i was having with this guy, and the argument i was having with myself because of it.

a tingly feeling.

if this post helped you breathe today, i would always be grateful for a cup of coffee.